Whats happening to me ?

It's friday roughly about 8:20 PM and am still in office, I've been reading quite a log of blogs and I've gotten to know how people feel about changing fortunes in their lives and how they react to ups and down in life. Ever since I came back from the US(sometime Dec 2003), I just had one thing in my mind, quit the current job and join a company that would let me do something that I like to do. My convictions grew stronger the moment I saw my performance appraisal results. Now, when I say something "I Like to do" more often I get this feeling that I am fooling myself by saying that I like something and dislike something else.

What is that I like and don't like ? how do I figure that out ?
Of late I've been introspecting myself and thinking how I would be few years from now given the current state of affairs.
Here is an interesting conversation between me and myself.
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"
conscience: Why are you not happy ?
Me : don't know dick head !!

Is it your proffessional life since it takes atleast 1/3 of your day ?
Think so !

What proffession would you want to be in ?
Software proffesion

R u in one ?
kinda !

Was it thrusted on you..?
no it was my choice

Did you really like writing code / developing software ?
Yes

Are you in one such job ?
Yes & No; No, because I am not writing the kind of software that I would want to or rather the intensity is less

What the hell are you trying to say ?
I want to write code, not applications but systems,

But why systems ? why not applications ?
because I find it infinitely stimulating, interesting and challenging and there is not much of a competition :-). Bottom line I simply like it !

Have you identified the companies that offer the kind of job you want ?
I think so

Did you attempt to get in ?
Yes

What happened ?
Failed

Why ?
In some cases I found myself incompetent
some cases did not matching their requirements
and some times b'cos I really screwed up the interview

So, what do you think you have to do ?
Keep myself updated and in touch, attend more interviews and what else..keep trying !

Are you doing that ?
No

Why ?
I am having to put in more effort for my current job so that I make the minimal progress in what ever I am doing

Once again, is that the true reason ?
well, Yes and no

Why don't you quit and take up this "IDEAL" job hunting, full time ?
r u nuts? I cannot starve and work on getting my "IDEAL" job

Why not ?
I've got commitments

So, you would just do anything to honour your commitments ?
that's what everybody does !

Once again do you think you have such a big commitment that you can never think of dishonouring it ?
I must confess, I am a little lazy

A** H*** you can never get to where you want to be, with that attitude!
Ohh..please I am already low in morale.
Why should I always be happy? why should I always get what I want ? Why should I always be correct ?
BTW what is correct ? aahhhhhhhhrrrrrgggg I am going to breakdown soon.
"

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I've always found it difficult to make this choice between, "Love what you do and learn to ride the wave" and "Do what you love, money will take care of itself"
I love music/singing but I am unable to take it as a profession, because I've not put the required amount of effort. I love working out/travelling/action/adventure, there are other things too but, wouldn't want to disclose it here :-) I've always had this "last mile" problem ever since my school days, I would do everything well, diligently prepare for examinations/tests but simply fail to show great results. This is simply reflecting in my career, though I dream of being in the thick of things and supposedly in the "Geek" fraternity (I am not talking about anointing myself with the "Geek" prefix), I've never been able to do it. It would take tremendous motivation to bring about the kind of change in me which, would eventually help me scale the heights that I would want to.

So, how do I stay motivated ? where can I draw inspiration from? It's quite apparent that I have more questions than answers. yeah..I am the self proclaimed "Man of too many questions", no wonder my blog theme is "Why do I have to blog ?" But, where can I get the answers ?

I am grateful to some of my friends who have encouraged me and supported me morally when I am down. I must say that my brother has always stood by side provided me the freedom and support to whatever I've wanted to pursue in my life. One thing that I realized in life recently is about decision making, we have to start making/breaking our own decisions at some point of time, asking for suggestions or advice from too many people would make the matter worse.

Hold on.... ! Why the hell am I spending so much time on this psycho philosophical babble ?
well, the confluence of all these thoughts gets me nowhere but to settle with the fact that we should live every moment of life as happily as possible and find happiness in small things in life so that they come in handy when you are really down.

So, I am going home now to get some good sleep, wake up early tomorrow morning and play ping pong !! :-) and.. did I not mention ? I am Home Alone !! :-)

Well, well.... look what I've found

Remember, about a decade back those of you who were fortunate enough to own a TV would have watched this film division video. It certainly takes me back to my school days , particular, my mom enjoyed the video than any one in the house. And HERE it is.

Simply could not resist sharing it.
enjoy ! :-)

"Luck is very often a self-fulfilling prophecy"

Trying to get a GMAIL account...!

Trying to get a GMAIL account...!

Trying to get a GMAIL account...!

Trying to get a GMAIL account...!

HURRAY !!

sourceforge after delaying my new project(Carnatica) creation request for about 2 weeks, finally approved it. I am working on setting up the home page and going through jmusic framework in parrallel.

"Second Sitting" ordeal (courtesy Indian Railways)

Last week's Bangalore train travel was terrific, "second sitting" believe me hell froze over "Brindavan". We had confirmed tickets but, ended up travelling like the "unreserved" folks. It was this half butt on the seat and half in the air act for most of the time :-(
It didn't hurt till the good looking girls got off at vellore (guess there were studying in VIT). Vellore was like 3 hours into the travel. The remaining 4 hours of travel felt like 40 days. Every now and then I would check my watch only to find the cruel minutes hand stuck to the dial and refusing to move. The situation grew grotesque after vellore, many of the folks that were standing slowly started their descent, in about 30 minutes I could see people on the floor of the train near my foot occasionally on my foot. I did something similar about 3 years back when I was coming to chennai from chidambaram, I didn't have a confirmed ticket, somehow squeazed myself into the unreserved compartment, stood near the toilet for about an hour and slowly started my descent and ended up sitting near the toilet door for the rest of my journey, I can never forget that trip.

Ok, coming back ! in between this confusion and chaos a group started playing "anthakshari", believe me I could barely hear mettalica that I was listening to all through, the place was a perfect pandemonium. Suddenly out of no where some of them started singing "Rara venu gopapala" geetham, believe me it was cacophonies of all kinds. There was this 3 or 4 year old kid who was staring at me right through, he had this "What the hell on earth have you got on your ears" look on his face, oh.. did I not mention I had my fancy RCA head phones on :-)

There was high drama when the train reached some station (I don't recall, it was some admittedly lousy name) there was this woman(looked like she didn't have a ticket) who was running behind another woman who was trying to get down at that station, the woman(former) exploited the situation and put her hand inside the other woman's hand bag and suddenly there was a roar from some in the crowd "hey antha ponnu thirudiraaaa" I was one of them :-) the reaction was quite spontaneous, she quickly pulled her hand out and litterally jumped out of the train from the other side and fled the scene.

By which time I could not feel one part of my body.... come on, my left butt. And... after about 400 years the train stopped at a station which read "Bangalore Cant." ahh.. a big sigh of relief.

Abu Ghraib ! shame on Americans

Initially I felt these were few stray incidents caused by few sadistic army personnel. Now, it looks an entire command was behind the abuse. There was even a news that some of the sergeants did not even know what geneva convention was and simply carried out orders. The terrifying attrocities comitted in the name of interrogation. It's time america sheds this bullish attitude. Ironically the iraqi people are suffering the brunt in the name of liberation; first it was saddam now it's the americans.
The acts have been documented...
"
Punching, slapping and kicking detainees; jumping on their naked feet;

Videotaping and photographing naked male and female detainees;

Forcibly arranging detainees in various sexually explicit positions for photographing;

Forcing detainees to remove their clothing and keeping them naked for several days at a time;

Forcing naked male detainees to wear women's underwear;

Forcing groups of male detainees to masturbate themselves while being photographed and videotaped;

Arranging naked male detainees in a pile and jumping on them;

A male MP guard having sex with a female detainee;

Taking photographs of dead Iraqi detainees;

Breaking chemical lights and pouring phosphoric liquid on detainees;

Beating detainees with a broom handle and chair;

Threatening male detainees with rape;

Sodomizing a detainee with a chemical light and perhaps with a broomstick
"

Am back and blogging !

Not a kind of friday I would ever want... Horrible. Last friday was cool, went to this movie "Perazhagan" at mayajal; was a ok types movie, Surya has done a decent job in the hunch back role. But nothing to beat kutti kamal in "apoorva sagotharargal", especially the scene where he gets to the marriage registration office with roopini only to find that we was called to sign as a witness for the marriage, simply superb anytime. Vivek "kalakified" in his role too but, has become a little predictable of late.

Some how last week went off pretty quickly b'cos I was doing things that I've always wanted to do; like, close to 12 hours of ping pong, music classes and lots of free time to catch up of stuff.

After congress won the LS elections there was high drama as to who would be the next Prime Minister of India ultimately Sonia gave way for manmohan singh to become the Prime Minister of india, the swearing in ceremony is likely to take place tomorrow provided our good friend Lalloo yadav confirms his participation in the government.

Will be starting for bangalore tomorrow, planning to meet some of my college friends, taking monday off from work and attending my little nephew's first birthday ceremony in bangalore. Should be back at base(Tidel Park) tuesday morning.

Sourceforge folks have got outta their minds, I've been trying to create my dream project "Carnatic" in sourceforge but they are rejecting it for some foolish reasons. Have to fix that and start working on it.

I've been checking out way too many blogs, some of them really interesting; in fact I've lost track of them should link them up (of course with the owner's permission).

Long Weekend
I was off to sriperambudur on saturday day afternoon after a 3 hour Table tennis session at tidel earlier in the day. I am still sufferring from the consequences of the session :-). A 1 hour drive on the chennai-bangalore route. The drive was really cool and challenging; thanks to the rains and the innumerous pot holes it had left on the roads. Negotiating those pot holes and some road rage :-) were the highlights of the drive. Recorded about five songs including Jesinathella(Sree), Ooo Ranga Saayee(Kanbondhi) enna thavam(Kapi) and Neerajakshi Kamakshi(Hindolam, new keerthanai). Ooo Ranga saayee was the most difficult one for I seem to have forgoten most of the "sangadhees" and almost completely the "caranam". I asked my paatti to switch to the teaching mode and managed to get the details recorded. Played some under arm cricket on the "Mottai Maadi" with my cousins. Monday started with a dissapointing note, found that we were not eligible to vote despite having a voter's ID for our names were not listed in the voter's list, actually was more interested in checking out the EVM :-)

Work is just Boring Boring and Boring...! I look pathetic right now, with a stub and over grown hair. I am eagerly looking forward for the long weekend; planning to catch up with some music classes that I've been out of touch for nearly 3 months now. I am trying stay motivated with respect to getting back to the gym and working out regularly; though my back isn't still at its best right now. I will be hitting sriperumbudur which is about 50 KM from here(chennai) this weekend to my aunt's Arshram where couple of my aunts and my paatti(grany) live right now. I am forced to use public transport and not my car for I simply cannot afford the petrol cost, untill unless TeeSeeuS gives me a decent raise :-)

I get a feeling that I am the only living thing on the face of this earth not having a bloody...

GMAIL account !!!

Saturday night horror !
It was 8:40 PM, I had called up deepak to know if he could join me for dinner, after we agreed to go to Dhaba Express. I went down twelve floors, walked up to my car only to find that l'didn't have the car keys with me. A peak through the driver's window and I saw it haging in the key hole. Ahh.. I did it again, this is the 3rd time; Once I did it in the US and had to pay $100 to fix it :-( after having burnt my fingures like that the repeat act was un pardonable. Quickly gave deepak a buzz and told him the problem, also asked him to get a scale if possible, which he did manage. Thanks to maruthi suzuki's naive door technology; we managed to unlock the door without much fuss and just with a foot long scale (comes really handy, especially the metal one).

My mobile phone(Siemens A36); there is something really sentimental about it, certainly one of my priced possessions. It's the first piece of luxury(not any more though, but was then - I am talking about the period when cell phones were in their proverbial infancy) equipment that I bought. I was really proud to carry it around and quite often held it in my hands and frantically waved it during conversations ( trust me, I was not trying to show off :-) at least that was not my intent ). The piece of beauty is about about 2 years and 3 months old now and sure is dying a slow death. It is really heartbreaking to see it disintegrate in front of my eyes. One of the keys(the most used # key) came off and i managed to glue it back in, few other are in verge of seperation. I wanted to do a better fix by opening it up but the strongly built case didn't give away, even my 20$ leather man tool remained useless for the task. For the time being it is just a neat piece of sticky tape that's holding it together.

Managed to add a site meter for my blog :-) see that square colourful box on your top left..yeah that the my site meter.

Hey.. really cool online music. The first ever that I've seen that doesn't make a big fuss on the player. Just click on play and it plays, no dowloads, no plugins nothing. Sound quality is OK(sounded mono) but not a single break over my 56K dialup though I was browsing in parallel; impressive !. And the song "In The Shadows-Rasmus" certainly rang a bell, I think I've heard it before or is it just a dejavu !!!
I also listened to this one "Eat You Alive - Limp Bizkit" for the first time...crazy lyrics :-) Also, tried my ears on "Linkin Park"..pretty good actually !