Whats happening to me ?

It's friday roughly about 8:20 PM and am still in office, I've been reading quite a log of blogs and I've gotten to know how people feel about changing fortunes in their lives and how they react to ups and down in life. Ever since I came back from the US(sometime Dec 2003), I just had one thing in my mind, quit the current job and join a company that would let me do something that I like to do. My convictions grew stronger the moment I saw my performance appraisal results. Now, when I say something "I Like to do" more often I get this feeling that I am fooling myself by saying that I like something and dislike something else.

What is that I like and don't like ? how do I figure that out ?
Of late I've been introspecting myself and thinking how I would be few years from now given the current state of affairs.
Here is an interesting conversation between me and myself.
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"
conscience: Why are you not happy ?
Me : don't know dick head !!

Is it your proffessional life since it takes atleast 1/3 of your day ?
Think so !

What proffession would you want to be in ?
Software proffesion

R u in one ?
kinda !

Was it thrusted on you..?
no it was my choice

Did you really like writing code / developing software ?
Yes

Are you in one such job ?
Yes & No; No, because I am not writing the kind of software that I would want to or rather the intensity is less

What the hell are you trying to say ?
I want to write code, not applications but systems,

But why systems ? why not applications ?
because I find it infinitely stimulating, interesting and challenging and there is not much of a competition :-). Bottom line I simply like it !

Have you identified the companies that offer the kind of job you want ?
I think so

Did you attempt to get in ?
Yes

What happened ?
Failed

Why ?
In some cases I found myself incompetent
some cases did not matching their requirements
and some times b'cos I really screwed up the interview

So, what do you think you have to do ?
Keep myself updated and in touch, attend more interviews and what else..keep trying !

Are you doing that ?
No

Why ?
I am having to put in more effort for my current job so that I make the minimal progress in what ever I am doing

Once again, is that the true reason ?
well, Yes and no

Why don't you quit and take up this "IDEAL" job hunting, full time ?
r u nuts? I cannot starve and work on getting my "IDEAL" job

Why not ?
I've got commitments

So, you would just do anything to honour your commitments ?
that's what everybody does !

Once again do you think you have such a big commitment that you can never think of dishonouring it ?
I must confess, I am a little lazy

A** H*** you can never get to where you want to be, with that attitude!
Ohh..please I am already low in morale.
Why should I always be happy? why should I always get what I want ? Why should I always be correct ?
BTW what is correct ? aahhhhhhhhrrrrrgggg I am going to breakdown soon.
"

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I've always found it difficult to make this choice between, "Love what you do and learn to ride the wave" and "Do what you love, money will take care of itself"
I love music/singing but I am unable to take it as a profession, because I've not put the required amount of effort. I love working out/travelling/action/adventure, there are other things too but, wouldn't want to disclose it here :-) I've always had this "last mile" problem ever since my school days, I would do everything well, diligently prepare for examinations/tests but simply fail to show great results. This is simply reflecting in my career, though I dream of being in the thick of things and supposedly in the "Geek" fraternity (I am not talking about anointing myself with the "Geek" prefix), I've never been able to do it. It would take tremendous motivation to bring about the kind of change in me which, would eventually help me scale the heights that I would want to.

So, how do I stay motivated ? where can I draw inspiration from? It's quite apparent that I have more questions than answers. yeah..I am the self proclaimed "Man of too many questions", no wonder my blog theme is "Why do I have to blog ?" But, where can I get the answers ?

I am grateful to some of my friends who have encouraged me and supported me morally when I am down. I must say that my brother has always stood by side provided me the freedom and support to whatever I've wanted to pursue in my life. One thing that I realized in life recently is about decision making, we have to start making/breaking our own decisions at some point of time, asking for suggestions or advice from too many people would make the matter worse.

Hold on.... ! Why the hell am I spending so much time on this psycho philosophical babble ?
well, the confluence of all these thoughts gets me nowhere but to settle with the fact that we should live every moment of life as happily as possible and find happiness in small things in life so that they come in handy when you are really down.

So, I am going home now to get some good sleep, wake up early tomorrow morning and play ping pong !! :-) and.. did I not mention ? I am Home Alone !! :-)