A hilarious parody on TeeSeeYes's ISM initiative

"
Hello all,

This, is TeeSeeYes's 10 point security programme that we would like to distribute to all associates, but unfortunately mailing it to more than 5 people at a time could make it a "security incident"* , so we have decided to mail each of you individualy, one every day. Since TeeSeeYes has over a million employees ( top 10 by 2010 you see), this will take slightly over 300 years to accomplish, but we are confident we will achieve it nonetheless. It's steady but sure progress, and TeeSeeYes should be a secure organization never mind the pace of change. Of course, provided Lotus Notes doesn't screw up, but that's a different issue altogether....

So in order to educate all our associates we proudly present below:

TeeSeeYes's 10 point Security Pogrom ( carefully concieved by congenital cadavers):

1. You the TeeSeeYes associate (from nowonwards refered to as ass), hereby promise to be paranoid about what some American, in his usual drunken stupor reported wrongly and fondly believes to be his address, or thelast four digits of his pin. You shall value this information more than you value your underwear, and swear to value this more than your wife or kids.

2. In case somebody tries to access this data ( heaven alone knows why they would want to!), you have agreed to fight the good man's fight for liberty freedom, and protection of american's inalienable rights to privacy, which is odd considering how a large percentage of the population are exhibitionists, and have agreed to protect this data using all means at your disposal. This includes bribing, biting, gouging out the adversarie's eyes using nails, and heaven forbid, threatening him with the Tata Security Policy.

3. In case some of this tasty data leaks into the enemy hands (assume that they have copied it onto some harddisk or whatever), this constitutes a security incident. and all security incidents will be reported to ISM. ISM will then inform IDM who will immediately start out, and reformat the enemy's disk making them feel rather silly. Lux one of our valuable associates points out that IDM will not only format the enemy's disk but also your hard disk, so everyone will feel rather silly, but after years of dealing with ISM, this is something we are all accustomed to.

4. Security Incidents: What is a security incident?
If you wear your abdomen gaurd on your knee, it is a security incident. If you tell people your name, it constitutes a security incident. Please remember that the threat occurs not due to the information which could be simple, but through the possibility of misuse of that information. So anything at all constitutes a security threat. For example, Parul !

5. TeeSeeYes employee's will proudly display their ID Cards, so that it is visible to even a gaurd sitting behind a six foot long desk.
Does this require magnification: yes
Can everybody then see this card: yes
Does that constitute a security incident: yes
So, you need to ensure that your id card is seen only by people authorized to ask you for your id card. In order to relieve this quandary, we have devised a set of handshakes, and hidden signals (modelled after the freemason handshake)Contact Ythee, lux me or pras to learn these handshakes

6. You hereby agree that you threaten the security of the organization by your very existence, and breath. So try not to breathe. In fact, our most valued associates are our tables and chairs who haven't breathed for quite some time. Pras one of our valued associates has a question.
"Ramesh is lying down on the ground and breathing very heavily", he says. "Is that a security risk"
Lux clarified the issue.
"Ramesh is actually being held down by JP and Partha, and is being
slowly strangled by them", he said in a press release. "Therefore the risk though high is diminishing". He also added that it was important to concentrate on the big picture and not on minor footling inconsistencies.

7. Security=paronia both of which are paramount

8. It is possible that you could be kidnapped by our evil competitors and interrogated, and in the ensuing torture that you are sure to go through you may end up revealing trade secrets.
e.g. : "Tell us what is the last sql statement you wrote", sneers an evil competitor.
"Tell us or we will rip of your nails".
"Arghhh...!", you scream in pain as they rip of your toenails "the sql statement was select * from gasp* CustomerAccount".

In order that such a situation does not come to pass, we at ISM request that you do not remember the last sql statement you entered. In fact, it would be best if you did not know sql at all. It would be glorious if you did not know anything about computers at all. This way you minimize the chances that you are a security threat to the company, and grow in value to us. Top management is quite valuable to us, because of their virtue of being clueless about anything at all. But you should have figured it out by this time. Lux has issued a security notice to ask you to ignore the confidential information that we have inadvertantly leaked above.
Remember the golden rule "Ignorance is secure".

9. Paperwork. TeeSeeYes has loads of paperwork, and surpasses the erstwhile Soviet Union in terms of kilos of paperwork generated. But we unfortunately cannot provide anyone shredders to shred this ton of paperwork. Therefore we request you to eat the paperwork, if you cannot shred it. This will increase your standing in your boss eyes (not to mention his cubicle), your EVA, and also your flatulence. But remember the old maxim. Only gasbags go up to the top. All relatinship managers will provide salt and pepper, to facilitate the easy digestion of such reports

10. Dave. I am sorry Dave. but you were not supposed to know that there was a tenth security policy. Well... this policy deals with how we deal with our customers if there is a security leak, and it involves chopping of their arms, legs, eyelids, sewing up their mouths, nostrils, cutting of their tounges, and as an afterthought killing the person. Well, since you now know this policy, please remain seated at your desk and expect a small deputation to visit you anytime soon.

Yours for ever and ever,
wintermute
"
Now, if that's not global, what is ?

Searing Heat
Scorching Sun
Chennai back to square one !

Interesting read.. Open Source Life

Copyrights...! Patents...! Royalties...! What did we bring to take back ? What did we create to destroy ? what am I doing.. me better get back to work :-)

Thanks to ISM audit !!
My windoze machine bore IDM's wrath today. IDM(Infrastructure D* M*) team, cleaned up my machine beyond recognition, now I do not have any special privilege none of the software that I like, the UI is not tweaked, the start menu takes years to appear. I short, I feel like I have been stripped naked ! and left stranded in a corner near my little cube. The only saving grace is that I have my Onsite machine still doing the work for me; so no problems with the internet. I pity others here who have been stripped of the privilege of browsing the internet. This is what I have to work with:
1. Editor - notepad (sucks, don't ever try the word wrap option)
2. Internet Browser - I.E. (Sucks.. big time)
3. Putty - only familiar face
4. MS Office - who wants this BTW ?
5. cvs.exe
and a host of other IDM friendly f***** up applications; to name one (Lotus Notes).

The single most frustrating thing is that; 3 month's toil went down the drain. AWS Blog was removed without trace.

I really miss:
EditPlus, OpenStep, FireFox, Filezilla, Gimp, TortoiseCVS, NMap, Ethreal, Freeproxy, StickyNotes, TweakUI, Cerebrus FTP, AWS BLog !, PearPC....
:-(,

Who is to be blamed... only me !

Strange ! but why Dr. Evil ?
http://3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592.com/

M.O. Srinivasan passes away...!

MOS as we used to call him; was an established cricketer and an aficionado of the "bajan" culture. He has to his credit a compilations of few hundred "bajans" in the form of a book, I think I still have a copy with me.

MOS represented tamilnadu in a unofficial test against Australia in 1945-46. He played first class cricket alongside Vijay merchant, Lala Amarnath, Vijay hazare and Rusi modi. MOS lived next our apartment complex (Anand flats in thiruvanmiur). We used to spend our summer vacation by planting trees and saplings in his garden and joining him during his bajan sessions. He often used to reward us for the work with chocolates. In few occasions I also accompanied him during his bajan recitals; I used to get paid Rs. 25 :-) for the job, big time money then. MOS passed away on Monday the 14th of June.

PDNS - Pet Dog Naming Syndrome

I was watching this movie "Sathi Leelavathi" during the weekend. The pet dog in the movie is called "Sabapathy", it suddenly enlightened me of the fact that pet dogs in India are normally not given local names. All those pet dogs that I've come across are christened only christian names(foreign names to be politically correct or rather english names). It's always the tommy, jimmy, rosy, pinky, browny .. and a never ending list of foreign names. Why a foreign name ? is there a dearth of local names? simply can't understand the reason behind this nomenclature.

BTW, are the dogs english..? what's the sanctity behind attaching an english name even though nobody in the house even utters a single word in english... of course, of late I am seeing even the lower middle and lower class (no offense, meant) folks resorting to address their parents as "mummy" and "daddy", so it's no suprise ! The stricking fact is that this happens only with pet dogs and to some extent cats. Why this hypocrisy ?

Our epics and history in general does not describe anything like a pet dog, it has always been peacocks and parots and pigeons; plus, the other domesticated animals like pigs, cows, goats or cattle in general. The other domesticated animals are rather lucky for they are normally addressed using indian names; cows are generally "kalyani"s, "meenakshi"s etc. the bulls are generally "sorimuthi"s, "pakiri"s etc. goats, "vellaiamma" and so on.

The americans certainly have run out of names, there would atleast be two places with the same name in the US, over and above this they borrow names from India and Europe, but what's wrong with us ?
An outright misnomer,president Bush's pet cat's name is "India" i am not sure if it was meant to condescend indians or was an attempt to express his camaraderie for India.

If i ever get a pet dog I will give it a local name... I would perhaps call it "america" :-)

How true is this.... Hope we get to know the news first, if TeeSeeYes gets to the top 10. Just gives the feeling that you are treated as an outsider. Very Bad !

It's a small world !

I had been to my bank's ATM during my tea break yesterday and a pleasant surprise was waiting to hit me, no ! I am not talking about my bank balance...! the guy at the front office of Global Trust Bank had a striking resemblance to one of my pre-school buddy. I was a little hesistant to begin with but could not resist the temptation to go and actually ask him. So, walked upto him and said "I am just curious, r u Arvind by any chance" he burst out in laughter and jubilation; "hi daa vaithee.. epadi irukke" was his reply. whew.. he managed to place me ! the last time we met was about 15 years ago near mylapore tank. We studied from L.K.G through 2nd standard together. Man, I was really excited to see him. I still recall, I used to envy him for his father was a police officer and sometimes arvind would get droped off to school in his father's official jeep.

The moment of truth to cherish... the wait is over.... "sbeashwar@gmail.com"
Many thanks to badri.

One of my best friend's wedding ! (31-05-2004)

After frantically clicking and typing through irctc.co.in (indian railways online ticket booking) for about three hours earlier in the week only to find obscene waiting list figures, I finally decided to hit tutocorin(also, thuthukudy in tamil; I am not sure which one came into existence first) by road to attend my friend Ramaseshan's wedding. Poor ramaseshan, the moment I told him that the chances of me making it to his marriage were bleak, he took on the responsibility of getting me tickets. So, next day evening there he was pushing an panting in front of tidel; collected the tickets for me 'n konda from him, did my regular ranting about the job and quickly we parted. Sunday evening gave konda a buzz, agreed to meet at his place and leave from there. Walked up to adyar depot bus stop, I was dressed easy in my nike t-shirt, light blue jean, a pair of brand new reebok floaters and the trade mark sun glasses :-). We reached the bus stop, bumped into couple of TeeSeeUs girls, I don't know why but one of them with a snicker said "ohh.. you are the guy that sits next to the fancy Machintosh machine" I mean I felt that way :-). We boarded the ECR express that took us to koyambedu market and a 10 minute walk across the road took us to "vivegam travels" bus station.

We quickly checked out the bus that proudly displayed in bold letters "Luxury semi sleeper", found it pretty good over all. We reached the bus station nearly an hour ahead of time, so had to kill time somehow, we started talking,big time talk ! ranging from current affairs to personal life, religion, geography..etc. It was really embarrassing when one gentleman sought our help to change the SIM card on his mobile phone; bloody hell it was a nokia 8311 and we could barely open the battery cover, after seeing us struggle for about 10 minutes the guy decided to relieve us of the responsibility.

The bus started promptly at 5:30 from koyambedu, 30 minutes into the journey, they played this tamil movie "Villain", terrific ! the movie started with a song, the song quite literally tore the speakers apart; interestingly a close look at the speakers and it read "Sumsang" :-). A well-orchestrated masala movie filled with songs, gyrating dances and superhuman fight sequences at regular intervals. The highlight of the movie was kiran's cleavage I managed to count the number of times kiran's cleavage was shown; it was a whooping 12 times ! One of most memorable scene in the movie was in the climax, kiran is tied to a cot and the villain is attempting to rape her, ajith's second act as a handicap is filled with trepidation and is unable to help kiran; eventually he collects himself and manages to throw a knife at the villain who dodges the knife much like in the "Matrix" and guess what, it misses the villain but manages to cut the rope that restrained kiran to the cot. I never thought K.S.Ravikumar would produce such an inane stuff, I regarded him among the top 5 directors in tamil, but this one was a total let down.

The bus stopped at vizhupuram for dinner. We got off and went into this hotel(hotel classic) like thing and were escorted to a table; a long banana leaf to start the proceedings was neatly laid down, I quickly checked the menu and was completely taken aback when the waiter said that they had dosas, briyani, etc. but only "kada"(goat,or is it lamb ?), "era" (is a kind of fish I guess) as side dish. Phew ! Konda was perplexed for he did not understand the "situation" in hand, I told konda that I’d prefer eating in a vegetarian hotel; just next to this hotel we found a veg. hotel, which had some thing edible, everything was fine but I would have rescued atleast three four species of insects from drowning in my sambar. I didn’t have a count on how many I swallowed, though :-).

We started from vizhupram after the delightful and supposedly vegetarian dinner. We were talking for sometime, then konda suddenly plunged into silence, realized that he was fast asleep, so put on my conspicuous piece of head phones and went to sleep. Next day morning we reach tutucorin bang on time 5:30 and took an auto to the choultry, confronted with many unfamiliar faces, it took us sometime to spot Ramaseshan who was sporting a "panchakacham" and was busy chanting some "mantras", he was at his expressive best the moment he saw us. He quickly sent out his cousin for our rescue. We were taken to a lodge nearby where other TeeSeeYes'ers were housed. Both of us got ready after a brief break; I slipped into some ethnic outfit (my favourite maroon colour rasi silk "Jibba").

We were treated with some mouth watering breakfast, the menu was a bit too extravagant; 3 types of dosas, indly, vadai, pongal, 2 kinds of sweet and If I recall 3 to 4 types of side dishes. Came back to the lodge to see what the other TeeSeeYes'ers were up to. The 6 boys belonged to the 3G ES team and had reached tutucorin the day before, they managed to checkout kutrallam and other places nearby the previous day. While konda crashed straight into the bed for yet another deep slumber, I joined the guys for a game of cards, they taught me how to play the game "pick2/uno" and we kept playing until lunch. Lunch was pretty good we also managed to meet ramaseshan’s mother, father, sister,bil etc. Once again the other TeeSeeYes'ers and myself decided to continue with our game, while konda once again opted to sleep, touch wood; one should be really blessed to get that kind of sound sleep.

The evening slipped by and we were back in the choultry for "nalangu", this is the most interesting phase of a typical south Indian Brahmin marriage where both the bride and bridegroom show off their sporting abilities. There are variety of games like "papad" breaking, ball snatching, garlanding, buy/sell rice/daal J and many more. Ramaseshan did fairly well and we maintained the lead from the bridegroom’s side. After the games it was time to showcase the singing abilities from both sides. Lanvanya started it off with "azhagiya asura" and immediately everyone wanted a befitting reply in the form of another oxymoron filled song. But, to our surprise Ramseshan sang "ennavale", followed by some mimicry from both sides. Ramseshan’s bil’s rendition of the song "kaliyuga varadhan" (brindaavana saaranga, I guess) was impressive. I got my chance too, I sang "Meevalla guna dosha" (kapi), after humbly accepting the accolades saw my watch and it was 6:00pm, it was time to bid adieu. Ramseshan was kind enough to arrange for a car to drop us at the bus stop. We decided to grab some bananas for dinner after having to eat the insect garnished chapattis the previous night.

A shocking news awaited us at the booking office, we had the last seats in the bus, I moaned in disbelief, so much for 350 Rs.! the seats were "discomfort" personified. Particularly, the back of my seat had come off the part to which it was welded to and was rocking! It was a roller coaster ride all the way back to Chennai, reached home at 8:00 am in the morning. I now understand the meaning of "Air Bus" for most of the time we were in the air :-). Two hours after touch down(didn't I say I was airbone :-)), I was at office and life was as boring as ever.

Satur day & night out !
Saturday evening couple of my friends(mukund and selva, more like my movie pals :-)) and myself suddenly planned to watch this tamil movie "Aayutha Ezhuthu" and headed for sathyam theater at 2:30PM for the 3:15PM show; as soon as we reached the place, the writing was on the wall,loud and clear no.. tickets "house full", Myself and selva we became grossly impatient and started swearing at mukund for his idea to try for current booking. It was a hot day and a maddening crowd at the theater premises. Mukund was at his best, he suggested that we wait outside, opposite to the theater putting up rather a sorry face which read "We don't have tickets... can aomeone help !" we waited for almost 15 minutes with no avail, then came a birdy, he wiz past us utterring some thing and it sounded like "ayutha ezhuthu"... quickly we followed suit; walked about 30 meters away from the theater. Mukund displayed his prowess in negotiating for the tickets, like a proffessional he checked if the seats were in sequence and the time and date on the tickets, quickly we settled to buy 3 ticket for 300 Rs. while the original cost was 180 Rs. Anyways, it was certainly a good deal for we would have spent more if we had gone to mayajaal. It took nearly 15 mins to get inside the theater and the movie eventually start ed at 3:30 and went on for about 3 hours.

About the movie: Once again mani was at his best when it came to dialogue delivery of his cast, I envy his endless pursuit to make a non tamil speaking cast to speak in tamil, give it to him ! it was pathetic, particularly madhavan plays a raffian in the movie but at times sounded like our childish Ajit :-)

Isha looked ok, the rest of the female cast hmmm ... thrisha was horrible. Surya did justice to his role, while I liked madhavan's character for took it's own path and never ever deviated right through. In all it was missing something, some scenes involving surya and isha remided me of the "Karthik" "revathy" thing in "Mouna Raagam". A.R.Rehman has given some good music, of course as usual it takes time for the music to sink in and become enjoyable. After the movie, we hit tidel park for few delightful game of ping pong. Our day ended with some lip smacking dinner at Hotel Ramprasad in thiruvanmiur.

Coming soon... "Operation Tutucorin !"

Strange piece of code...
"
#include
main()
{
int a,b,c;
/* for (b=c=10;a= "Love Your INDIA\ TFy!QJu ROo TNn(ROo)SLq SLq
ULo+UHs
UJq TNn*RPn/QPbEWS_JSWQAIJO^NBELP eHBFHT}TnALVlBLOFAKFCFQHFOQIAIREETMSQGCSQOUHATFAJKSbEALGSkMCSlOASn^r ^r\\tZvYxXyT|S~Pn SPm SOn TNn ULo0ULo#ULo-WHq!WFs XDt!"[b+++6];)
*/
while(a-->64)
putchar (++c=='Z'?c=c/9:33^b&1);
}
"

trying to find how this thing works in the first place.