A hilarious parody on TeeSeeYes's ISM initiative
"
Hello all,
This, is TeeSeeYes's 10 point security programme that we would like to distribute to all associates, but unfortunately mailing it to more than 5 people at a time could make it a "security incident"* , so we have decided to mail each of you individualy, one every day. Since TeeSeeYes has over a million employees ( top 10 by 2010 you see), this will take slightly over 300 years to accomplish, but we are confident we will achieve it nonetheless. It's steady but sure progress, and TeeSeeYes should be a secure organization never mind the pace of change. Of course, provided Lotus Notes doesn't screw up, but that's a different issue altogether....
So in order to educate all our associates we proudly present below:
TeeSeeYes's 10 point Security Pogrom ( carefully concieved by congenital cadavers):
1. You the TeeSeeYes associate (from nowonwards refered to as ass), hereby promise to be paranoid about what some American, in his usual drunken stupor reported wrongly and fondly believes to be his address, or thelast four digits of his pin. You shall value this information more than you value your underwear, and swear to value this more than your wife or kids.
2. In case somebody tries to access this data ( heaven alone knows why they would want to!), you have agreed to fight the good man's fight for liberty freedom, and protection of american's inalienable rights to privacy, which is odd considering how a large percentage of the population are exhibitionists, and have agreed to protect this data using all means at your disposal. This includes bribing, biting, gouging out the adversarie's eyes using nails, and heaven forbid, threatening him with the Tata Security Policy.
3. In case some of this tasty data leaks into the enemy hands (assume that they have copied it onto some harddisk or whatever), this constitutes a security incident. and all security incidents will be reported to ISM. ISM will then inform IDM who will immediately start out, and reformat the enemy's disk making them feel rather silly. Lux one of our valuable associates points out that IDM will not only format the enemy's disk but also your hard disk, so everyone will feel rather silly, but after years of dealing with ISM, this is something we are all accustomed to.
4. Security Incidents: What is a security incident?
If you wear your abdomen gaurd on your knee, it is a security incident. If you tell people your name, it constitutes a security incident. Please remember that the threat occurs not due to the information which could be simple, but through the possibility of misuse of that information. So anything at all constitutes a security threat. For example, Parul !
5. TeeSeeYes employee's will proudly display their ID Cards, so that it is visible to even a gaurd sitting behind a six foot long desk.
Does this require magnification: yes
Can everybody then see this card: yes
Does that constitute a security incident: yes
So, you need to ensure that your id card is seen only by people authorized to ask you for your id card. In order to relieve this quandary, we have devised a set of handshakes, and hidden signals (modelled after the freemason handshake)Contact Ythee, lux me or pras to learn these handshakes
6. You hereby agree that you threaten the security of the organization by your very existence, and breath. So try not to breathe. In fact, our most valued associates are our tables and chairs who haven't breathed for quite some time. Pras one of our valued associates has a question.
"Ramesh is lying down on the ground and breathing very heavily", he says. "Is that a security risk"
Lux clarified the issue.
"Ramesh is actually being held down by JP and Partha, and is being
slowly strangled by them", he said in a press release. "Therefore the risk though high is diminishing". He also added that it was important to concentrate on the big picture and not on minor footling inconsistencies.
7. Security=paronia both of which are paramount
8. It is possible that you could be kidnapped by our evil competitors and interrogated, and in the ensuing torture that you are sure to go through you may end up revealing trade secrets.
e.g. : "Tell us what is the last sql statement you wrote", sneers an evil competitor.
"Tell us or we will rip of your nails".
"Arghhh...!", you scream in pain as they rip of your toenails "the sql statement was select * from gasp* CustomerAccount".
In order that such a situation does not come to pass, we at ISM request that you do not remember the last sql statement you entered. In fact, it would be best if you did not know sql at all. It would be glorious if you did not know anything about computers at all. This way you minimize the chances that you are a security threat to the company, and grow in value to us. Top management is quite valuable to us, because of their virtue of being clueless about anything at all. But you should have figured it out by this time. Lux has issued a security notice to ask you to ignore the confidential information that we have inadvertantly leaked above.
Remember the golden rule "Ignorance is secure".
9. Paperwork. TeeSeeYes has loads of paperwork, and surpasses the erstwhile Soviet Union in terms of kilos of paperwork generated. But we unfortunately cannot provide anyone shredders to shred this ton of paperwork. Therefore we request you to eat the paperwork, if you cannot shred it. This will increase your standing in your boss eyes (not to mention his cubicle), your EVA, and also your flatulence. But remember the old maxim. Only gasbags go up to the top. All relatinship managers will provide salt and pepper, to facilitate the easy digestion of such reports
10. Dave. I am sorry Dave. but you were not supposed to know that there was a tenth security policy. Well... this policy deals with how we deal with our customers if there is a security leak, and it involves chopping of their arms, legs, eyelids, sewing up their mouths, nostrils, cutting of their tounges, and as an afterthought killing the person. Well, since you now know this policy, please remain seated at your desk and expect a small deputation to visit you anytime soon.
Yours for ever and ever,
wintermute
"
Now, if that's not global, what is ?
"
Hello all,
This, is TeeSeeYes's 10 point security programme that we would like to distribute to all associates, but unfortunately mailing it to more than 5 people at a time could make it a "security incident"* , so we have decided to mail each of you individualy, one every day. Since TeeSeeYes has over a million employees ( top 10 by 2010 you see), this will take slightly over 300 years to accomplish, but we are confident we will achieve it nonetheless. It's steady but sure progress, and TeeSeeYes should be a secure organization never mind the pace of change. Of course, provided Lotus Notes doesn't screw up, but that's a different issue altogether....
So in order to educate all our associates we proudly present below:
TeeSeeYes's 10 point Security Pogrom ( carefully concieved by congenital cadavers):
1. You the TeeSeeYes associate (from nowonwards refered to as ass), hereby promise to be paranoid about what some American, in his usual drunken stupor reported wrongly and fondly believes to be his address, or thelast four digits of his pin. You shall value this information more than you value your underwear, and swear to value this more than your wife or kids.
2. In case somebody tries to access this data ( heaven alone knows why they would want to!), you have agreed to fight the good man's fight for liberty freedom, and protection of american's inalienable rights to privacy, which is odd considering how a large percentage of the population are exhibitionists, and have agreed to protect this data using all means at your disposal. This includes bribing, biting, gouging out the adversarie's eyes using nails, and heaven forbid, threatening him with the Tata Security Policy.
3. In case some of this tasty data leaks into the enemy hands (assume that they have copied it onto some harddisk or whatever), this constitutes a security incident. and all security incidents will be reported to ISM. ISM will then inform IDM who will immediately start out, and reformat the enemy's disk making them feel rather silly. Lux one of our valuable associates points out that IDM will not only format the enemy's disk but also your hard disk, so everyone will feel rather silly, but after years of dealing with ISM, this is something we are all accustomed to.
4. Security Incidents: What is a security incident?
If you wear your abdomen gaurd on your knee, it is a security incident. If you tell people your name, it constitutes a security incident. Please remember that the threat occurs not due to the information which could be simple, but through the possibility of misuse of that information. So anything at all constitutes a security threat. For example, Parul !
5. TeeSeeYes employee's will proudly display their ID Cards, so that it is visible to even a gaurd sitting behind a six foot long desk.
Does this require magnification: yes
Can everybody then see this card: yes
Does that constitute a security incident: yes
So, you need to ensure that your id card is seen only by people authorized to ask you for your id card. In order to relieve this quandary, we have devised a set of handshakes, and hidden signals (modelled after the freemason handshake)Contact Ythee, lux me or pras to learn these handshakes
6. You hereby agree that you threaten the security of the organization by your very existence, and breath. So try not to breathe. In fact, our most valued associates are our tables and chairs who haven't breathed for quite some time. Pras one of our valued associates has a question.
"Ramesh is lying down on the ground and breathing very heavily", he says. "Is that a security risk"
Lux clarified the issue.
"Ramesh is actually being held down by JP and Partha, and is being
slowly strangled by them", he said in a press release. "Therefore the risk though high is diminishing". He also added that it was important to concentrate on the big picture and not on minor footling inconsistencies.
7. Security=paronia both of which are paramount
8. It is possible that you could be kidnapped by our evil competitors and interrogated, and in the ensuing torture that you are sure to go through you may end up revealing trade secrets.
e.g. : "Tell us what is the last sql statement you wrote", sneers an evil competitor.
"Tell us or we will rip of your nails".
"Arghhh...!", you scream in pain as they rip of your toenails "the sql statement was select * from gasp* CustomerAccount".
In order that such a situation does not come to pass, we at ISM request that you do not remember the last sql statement you entered. In fact, it would be best if you did not know sql at all. It would be glorious if you did not know anything about computers at all. This way you minimize the chances that you are a security threat to the company, and grow in value to us. Top management is quite valuable to us, because of their virtue of being clueless about anything at all. But you should have figured it out by this time. Lux has issued a security notice to ask you to ignore the confidential information that we have inadvertantly leaked above.
Remember the golden rule "Ignorance is secure".
9. Paperwork. TeeSeeYes has loads of paperwork, and surpasses the erstwhile Soviet Union in terms of kilos of paperwork generated. But we unfortunately cannot provide anyone shredders to shred this ton of paperwork. Therefore we request you to eat the paperwork, if you cannot shred it. This will increase your standing in your boss eyes (not to mention his cubicle), your EVA, and also your flatulence. But remember the old maxim. Only gasbags go up to the top. All relatinship managers will provide salt and pepper, to facilitate the easy digestion of such reports
10. Dave. I am sorry Dave. but you were not supposed to know that there was a tenth security policy. Well... this policy deals with how we deal with our customers if there is a security leak, and it involves chopping of their arms, legs, eyelids, sewing up their mouths, nostrils, cutting of their tounges, and as an afterthought killing the person. Well, since you now know this policy, please remain seated at your desk and expect a small deputation to visit you anytime soon.
Yours for ever and ever,
wintermute
"
Now, if that's not global, what is ?
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